I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
