So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
