I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.