yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
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I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
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Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life