Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?