Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
