I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I still have a little drunk in my system
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
