i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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