Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
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