There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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