I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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