When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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