what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
