your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
