well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
