Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
