I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
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Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
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He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.