I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
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Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
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Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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