you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
