I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
