It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
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is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
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Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
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