I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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