you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
