I cockslap morals
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Dick very happy bro
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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