Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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