I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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