i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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