All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..