If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
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I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Are my feet made of real feet?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
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I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow