if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.