I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
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Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
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Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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