whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
