i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
