Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
