if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
