I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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