Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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