tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
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so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
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I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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