i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
