All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
