Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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