We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
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He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
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Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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