i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here