I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
When are your genitals available?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
