Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
it's great music for shaving your balls
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Randomize
