Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
