I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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