and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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