remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.