omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?