i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.