Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.