It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
