apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
