I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
