So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
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WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
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I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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