Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
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Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
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She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging