Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
